That fluorescent orange glow. The tangy, sickly sweet taste. There’s a reason Scotland is the only country in the world that sells more Irn-Bru than Coca-Cola, and it’s because we know about its magical headache removing properties. If only it would take away the cringe-y memories too.
And understand exactly what’s being asked of you when you’re summoned to do the Gay Gordons or Strip the Willow…mainly because of the endless years of torture and humiliation you faced in primary school learning those moves.
You think it’s crazy how much people have to pay for them in other countries. It’s your right to free healthcare, so you can’t imagine living in a country where such a basic human right is denied. Nevertheless, you could spend hours moaning about the NHS.
It can be either Edin-burra or Edin-bra (or, if said quickly / intoxicated, Embra or Enbra). It is never Edinborrow or Edinbuurg.
This can range from a little lighthearted jesting and fun-poking at the opposing city, to a full-on ranting rage about the other’s obvious flaws.
You know fine well that just because the sun is blazing this morning, it doesn’t rule out a thunderstorm in three hours’ time. However, you gave up on umbrellas a long time ago and now just grumpily succumb to the skies.
It may only be 19°C outside, but every summer as soon as the skies clear, men of all ages throughout the country will be stripping off their t-shirts in gardens, towns, and parks, baring hairy chests for all to see.
The weather is the ultimate conversation starter for all awkward situations. Any time you meet someone new, the weather will be discussed first — especially if you’re talking to a cab driver, a stranger at a bus station, or anyone working on a checkout.
Sure, Greyfriars Bobby totally happened. What a heroic little dog. Haggis? Yup that’s a small creature running ’round the Highlands. Oh yeah, I’ve definitely seen the Loch Ness Monster.
You understand they’re telling you out of pride, and you honestly do appreciate the sentiment, but you’ve heard it so many times now you’re not really paying attention anymore.
Whether it’s, “Sorry, I have no idea what you’re saying. Speak English please,” or, “Why don’t you sound Scottish?!” both are equally annoying.
This is done with just as much passion as if Scotland were actually playing. But you know really it’s just a fun, long-standing tradition and doesn’t mean you actually hate the English. I mean, we need something to be excited about — Scotland rarely goes far in international football events.
And feel rightfully disgusted whenever you’re in a shop in England and are subjected to having your money scrutinised by the cashier for five minutes before they finally accept it.
Except Switzerland’s, but we’ll just pretend that’s not true and happily gulp ours down anyway.
These failed attempts often result in a makeshift BBQ in the kitchen, trying to drown your sorrows in *insert alcohol of choice here* while torrential rain floods the patio.
It’s the standard dress code for all formal events including prom, graduation balls, and weddings. It’s also totally fine to be a True Scotsman and forgo any underwear, usually resulting in much hilarity and some interesting up-the-kilt shots once everyone is drunk enough to happily flash.
All are words that get thrown around the playground on a daily basis to insult and demean your fellow students by essentially calling them ugly thieves. You also know that one of the greatest comebacks to any of these statements is “Yer Maw.”
For some inexplicable reason, you’ll need vast quantities of grease the moment you step out of a nightclub. Luckily, there will be many a chippie waiting to cater to your drunken needs. If you can’t get chips and cheese, a kebab will probably do the job.
For no logical reason, Asda is Asda’s and Tesco is Tesco’s.
Like most people in the country you have an opinion, either for or against, but it’s got to the stage where you just want it all to be over so you never have to listen to another drunken screaming match in the pub ever again.
Photo: Hamish Irvine